Attention to each other

Sometimes women say: “My husband doesn’t pay attention.” Our article today is not only for women, but also for men.

Because both women and men face attention deficits in partnerships. And so that this does not destroy the relationship, it is important to take certain steps in proximity to each other.

Somehow it happens that in a family, or even just in a couple, one gives “everything”, the other “nothing” or very little. We are, of course, exaggerating the situation, but if you often feel like you give more than your partner, then this is your situation (described above).

Any partnership requires equal contributions (attention, money, feelings, care, time, etc.) from both sides.

This can happen in the following way: one of the partners invests more money in creating and maintaining the relationship, while the other invests more care. Or someone shows feelings more violently and vividly, while the other spends time planning a joint future.

The ability of each to appreciate the contribution of the other

The most important criterion for balance in a relationship is the ability of each to appreciate the contribution of the other in the form in which he makes. What is it about?

Each of us learns from childhood what an investment in a relationship is by watching our parents (and other significant people), and then does the same thing as them. And for him this is natural, normal and at the subconscious level - correct.

In our personal relationships, when we meet a partner from a different family with different views and values, we have to learn and expand our partnership skills.

And here a lot depends on the flexibility of a person’s personality (and this is largely determined by the parental family).

Are you open to everything new?

• Do you like to change your wardrobe?
• Experiment with styles?
• Try different cuisines?
• Do you have a wide circle of acquaintances?

These and other factors reflect a person's ability to change.

If we are open to new things in life, then in partnerships it is easy for us to see the value of new things - something that we have not used before.

For example, for you, partnerships mean taking care of each other (cooking a delicious dinner, ironing shirts, etc.). And for your partner it is more important to just be together (watch TV, go to nature, etc.).

Therefore, it is very important in partnerships to be able to talk sincerely about your interests and the interests of your partner (to be very interested in him).

If you have a question: why should I be interested in a partner? Ask yourself, how important is this Relationship to you?

if they are important, then you have every opportunity to improve them the way you want. We cannot change our partner, but we can always improve our relationship with him. And the main thing here is our desire.

See the value of your partner's contribution

So, the first thing to start improving your relationship (for example, so that your husband pays more attention to you) is to see his contribution to your relationship and see the value of this contribution. How to see?

Look at what your partner enjoys doing. Most often we don't pay attention to this. For example, your partner talks to the children or helps your grandmother. It's great if you tell him about it, but it's good to at least remember about it more often.

Relationships will certainly develop and improve, and partners will be closer to each other, if everyone sees their contribution to the relationship and appreciates the contribution of the other.

Respect for each other's pace

The second thing that greatly influences the development of relationships is respect for each other’s pace. By this word we mean emotional tempo - the way a person expresses himself in life (the type of person's temperament, his behavior patterns and the general energy of life).

There is one good phrase that we often say in our trainings: “One goes faster, but the team goes further.”

How disrespect for your partner's pace is shown:

• "Come quickly"
• "let's do this again"
• "why are you silent?"
• “Well, how long can you wait?!” etc.

By not respecting the pace of the other person, by pushing him, we definitely spoil the relationship.

As a child, our parents always pushed us. And in adult life, we often push ourselves and others (we still have a subconscious desire to show our parents that “we are good” - we are in a hurry, we do what they want).

If you see that your husband/wife is not paying attention to you, then assume that there is a good reason for this. Maybe you criticize a lot (you don’t see or appreciate his contribution to the relationship) or maybe you don’t know how to relax and don’t support him in this (“drive” your husband).

Maybe you lack value and self-respect. By identifying how this relates to your life and what exactly is your difficulty, you can see the direction of development for yourself and your partnership.

The purpose of the second stage is the formation of the ability to see a peer, pay attention to him and become like him .

The task This stage was to distract children from fixation on their own “I” and focus on the attitude of their peers and to draw their attention to the peer in itself, outside the context of their relationship. During the games, the child had to concentrate as much as possible on the other. At this stage, along with well-known and traditional games such as “Mirror”, “Echo”, “Broken Phone”, new games developed by the authors were used. Here are some examples:

"Common Circle"

The adult gathers the children around him. “Let’s sit on the floor now, but so that each of you can see all the other guys and me and so that I can see each of you” (the only correct solution here is to create a circle). When the children sit in a circle, the adult says: “And now, to make sure that no one is hiding and I see everyone and everyone sees me, let each of you say hello with your eyes to everyone in the circle. I'll start first; when I say hello to everyone, my neighbor will start saying hello.” The adult looks into the eyes of each child in a circle and slightly nods his head; When he has “greeted” all the children, he touches his neighbor’s shoulder, inviting him to say hello to the children.

"Talking Through Glass"

An adult helps the children break into pairs, and then says: “Imagine that one of you is in a large store, and the other is waiting for him on the street. But you forgot to agree on what you need to buy, and the exit is at the other end of the store. Try negotiating purchases through the glass of a shop window. But remember that the glass between you is so thick that trying to scream is useless: your partner won’t hear you anyway. Once you have “agreed”, you can discuss whether you understood each other correctly. Then you can switch roles.

"Find Your Brother or Sister"

Gathering the children around him, the adult says: “Do you know that all animals are born blind?

And only after a few days they open their eyes. Let's play blind little animals. Now I will go up to everyone, blindfold them with a scarf and tell them whose cub they are. Each of you will have your own brother or sister who will speak the same language as you: kittens - meow, puppies - whine, calves - moo. You will have to find each other by sound." The adult blindfolds the children and whispers to each one whose cub it is and what sounds it should make. Roles need to be distributed in such a way that there are two cubs of each animal in the group. Children crawl on the floor, “speak” their language and look for another child who speaks the same language. After the children have found their pairs, the teacher unties their eyes and invites them to meet other pairs of children. Children crawl around the group, getting to know each other, each speaking their own language.

Stage 1 Coherence of movements

The main task of the next stage was to teach the child to coordinate his own behavior with the behavior of other children.

The rules of the games of the third stage were set in such a way that in order to achieve a certain goal, children must act with maximum consistency. This requires from them, firstly, great attention to peers and, secondly, the ability to act taking into account the needs, interests and behavior of other children. Such coherence contributes to the direction of attention to the other, the cohesion of actions and the emergence of a sense of community. Let us dwell on the description of some games that require coordination of movements.

“Making sculptures”

The adult helps the children divide into pairs, and then says: “Let one of you be the sculptor and the other the clay. Clay is a very soft and docile material. Now I will give each sculptor a photograph of his future sculpture, do not show it to your partner. Take a close look at your photo and try to sculpt exactly the same statue out of your partner. At the same time, you cannot talk, because clay does not know the language and cannot understand you.” An adult distributes photographs of various statues and monuments to children. Then he chooses any child and begins to “sculpt” him into a sculpture, after showing the whole group a photograph of his future monument. After this, the children “sculpt” on their own, the adult monitors the game and approaches the children who are not doing well. Then the children show their sculptures to the teacher and the other pairs. After this, the adult hands out the photographs again and the children change roles.

"Composite Figures"

The teacher seats the children around him and says: “Those of you who have been to the circus or the zoo have probably seen an elephant there. And those who weren’t, saw his image in a picture in a book. Let's try to depict it. How many legs does he have? That's right, four. Who wants to be the elephant's feet? Who will be the trunk? etc. Thus, children are selected, each of whom will depict some part of the elephant’s body. The teacher helps the children position themselves on the floor in the correct order. In front is the trunk, behind it is the head, on the sides are the ears, etc. When the elephant is assembled, the teacher invites him to walk around the room: each part must follow the order. Any animal can be used as a composite figure. If there are many children in the group, you can complicate the game and create two animals that can communicate: shake hands, sniff each other, wag their tails when they meet, etc.

Stage 1 General experiences

The fourth stage consisted of games aimed to experience general emotions. In many of the games given above, children are united not only by the same movements, but also by a common mood, a common play image. Such a community of feelings allows you to feel unity with others, their closeness and even relatedness. All this destroys alienation, makes protective barriers unnecessary and creates community among children. At the next, fourth stage, such a community of experiences is created specifically. The joint experience of any emotional states (both positive and negative) unites children, generating a sense of closeness, community and a desire to support each other. The feeling of danger and fear of an imaginary enemy is especially acute. It is these experiences that are created in many games of this stage. Let's give an example of such a game.

"Evil Dragon"

This game requires several large cardboard or wooden boxes that can fit 2-3 children. At the beginning of the game, the adult invites the children to become gnomes living in small houses. When the children take their places in the box houses, the adult tells them: “There is a big problem in our country. Every night a big, big evil dragon flies in and takes people to his castle on the mountain, and no one knows what happens to them next. There is only one way to escape from the dragon: when dusk falls on the city, people hide in their houses, sit there hugging each other and persuade each other not to be afraid, console each other, stroke each other. The dragon cannot stand affectionate and kind words, and when he hears them coming from a house, he tries to quickly fly past this house and continues to search for another house from which such words are not heard. So, the last rays of the sun are slowly fading, dusk is falling on the city and people are rushing to hide in their houses and hug each other tightly.” An adult walks between houses, pretending to be a dragon, howls frighteningly, threatens, stopping at each house and looking inside, and, making sure that the children inside the house support and console each other, moves on to the next one.

Stage 1 Mutual assistance in the game

At this stage, it becomes possible to use games that require children to mutually help, show empathy and joy. Using such games without prior preparation leads to the fact that the motivation for helping other children is not disinterested, but rather pragmatic or normative in nature: I help because adults praise me for it or because the teacher said that I need to help. In order for children to really want to help others, it is necessary to first create a favorable climate in the group, an atmosphere of direct, free communication and emotional closeness.

Only after at the 4th stage children have experienced common and identical feelings that brought them together, can games be used that require children to empathize with others, giving them the opportunity to help and support a peer. Here is a description of one of the games.

"Living Dolls"

The teacher divides the group into pairs. “Let's imagine that your dolls come to life not only at night, but also during the day. They can talk, ask, run, etc. Let's imagine that one of you is a child, and the other is his girl doll or boy doll. The doll will ask for something, and its owner will fulfill its requests and take care of it.” An adult offers to pretend to wash the doll’s hands, feed it, take it for a walk, put it to bed, etc. At the same time, the teacher warns that the owner must fulfill all the whims of the doll and not force her to do what she does not want. In the next game the children will switch roles.

In the current 21st century, in family relationships, one of the reasons for quarrels or separation is the lack or excess of attention to each other. This applies to both young couples and couples with many years of married life. Almost 90% of our population faces this problem. As statistics show, it is the lack of attention from your partner that brings with it a lot of negative emotions, various quarrels and scandals.

Most often, a lack of attention occurs in young couples who are experiencing certain life moments: getting a new job, moving to another city, changing an activity or hobby, sometimes young couples do not have enough attention to each other with the birth of a child. Well, or the saddest case when one of the partners’ feelings cool down. As we see, lack of attention begins precisely when the partner switches to something new, forgetting and pushing his other half into the background. And this is the main mistake of most couples.

As many family psychologists say, in life you need to switch gears from time to time, find something new to do as a hobby and take a break from everyday life. And this is so, there should be a change of attention, but in no case to the detriment of the relationship! Your significant other should always come first, no matter what.

After all, if you look at it this way, the key to family relationships is maintaining spiritual, everyday and sexual contact. Any person, according to the law of nature, instinctively wants to be the first, so that more attention is paid to him. And when he doesn’t receive this, he begins to either demand it from his partner or look for a new person, or a new source of that very proper attention. But it depends on both sides of the couple. If your partner has stopped paying attention to you, then it’s worth attracting him with something, but not a scandal!

In a relationship, the most important thing is communication, the desire to find time to share with each other your feelings, some emotions, discuss what doesn’t suit someone in this or that moment, love each other and satisfy both spiritually and physically !

Often the reason for quarrels or separations is an overabundance of attention to a partner. Excessive importunity and perseverance do not allow a person to switch his attention to something else, preventing him from getting bored, and this also happens. In any relationship, you need to know your partner’s emotional limits, understand their position and have patience. As a rule, an excess of attention arises from the inaction of the other partner. The couple should definitely discuss this at a family dinner or on a walk. If you give excessive influence, you definitely need to keep yourself occupied or distracted with something.

Speaking about attention in family relationships, one thing can be said. You need to know, feel, and sometimes even guess the desires of your partner. More joy. Arrange any surprises. There needs to be more spontaneity and exuberance. But everything needs to know the limit and the stopping point, when everything is done, you can’t go any further!

Love each other and be happy!!!